I wish life was different. I’m withering. I’m falling. You know those highs and lows in your life? The only times you seem to be able to write our those lows. I miss my ink hitting the paper. Now I’m typing into screen I stare too often into. Whats the point of posting this blog when I know no one cares.

I’m lost. More lost then I have ever been in my life. And i cant breathe. and I want to be run away.

running away is not the answer. i’ve got school. commitment, family, friends..

why do i care what others think? I’m torn. I miss you so much. I miss everything so much. I miss life making sense. I miss seeing the world outside of my room. I’m stuck here. And I can’t leave. The thoughts tie me down. And then im here, at this stupid computer. Looking for answer. I can’t do this anymore. I feel so dramatic.. and yet so Fuck i don’t know. I sound stupid, even on this blog. but i don’t give a fuck anymore.

This new album by lymbyc is amazing, take a listen.

Lymbyc Systym-Ghost Clock

it’s hard to remember what this feels like…

          everyone else remembered today was my birthday.. but you. I don’t know what you had to. Why couldn’t you remember.. why couldn’t you email.. something.. anything. You knew it was coming up.  I just thought.. that for once in your life you might think about someone else. I miss you so  much. i did so much for your birthday, just a few weeks ago. a year ago you broke up with me. maybe you felt like you had to reinvent this? i just hate how i realized how many people care abotu me today, and how you weren’t one of them. i hate admiting this. it shouldn’t be like this. god why do i love you? Why am i making so many mistakes. I feel empty. completely empty. please.. anything out there, anything magical something, please bring him back to me. please make him realize what he can’t see? 

i’m tired of being forgotten.

Yes. You are. But why can’t you do something about it? I’m so sick of this excuses. It just boils down to “i’m an asshole” why don’t people try to better themselves? Why do we give up so easily? If I found out I was an asshole, I would want to stop doing what I was doing and try to be a better person. Maybe it’s just me, but i’m so sick of this fucking excuse. It has worked on my several times in the past. But i’m so done with it. Your just too lazy to give a flying fuck and doing something about it.

     Moving on.. i haven’t posted in a while. probably because much remains the same. The world tends to change, but I remember everything.. still think the same things, feel the same way I felt as a little girl. I should be going out tonight, almost did.. just had a 45 minute shower drinking beer.  I don’t know whats happening to me? I feel like im on a nervous breakdown everyday…just about to flip at any given moment. I even smoked a cigarette today, even though I hate smoking. There is no denying though that “FUCK YOU” feeling a cigarette gives me. Puts me back in to reality. Somewhat.  God. alsfjlskdjflsdkfjlsdfjlsjdflsjflsjfalsdfj! thats all i feel right now. angry, sad, depressed, fucked. Sick of everything.

sorry, 

    i’ll leave you with this song. nothing to do with this post.. but it’s all good.

Hookie- Back N-Ted

I fucked up. I really fucked up. I guess things are not has figured out as I thought they were. We ended things, strictly friends, I’ve been angry for 3 weeks, and just wanted to give you a piece of my mind. Then a little liquor and I’m kissing you in the hallway, and your telling me how much you missed this. and I wake up this morning and look over at you, and wish you were him. but your not him, you never will be him. and “him” is miles away from here, and I’m so tired of this feeling.

         why can’t I be happy? How can someone torture you from so far away and it still feel like a wound opening up, over and over again. I wanted this guy last night, and last couple of weeks because I couldn’t, it was the cat and mouse thing. It was nice to be distracted and not think about him, have another guy to cry over. I just feel sick, and It’s a combination of being so hungover, and just the thought of what happened last night. All of this just made me realize how much I don’t want to be in relationship, and I’m obviously not ready to move on. 

     god, i wish you were here. we used to listen to this band and lay on the bed forever, in silence, but hopelessly, crazily, in love, and we didn’t have to say a thing. and we didn’t have to deal with drama or anything.. 

            check this song out, lay down, and dream;

                                                because love is real. just hard to find again.

Truth Skull-Lymbyc Systym

again, don’t know where to start, but feeling as if I should..somewhere.. I don’t know why I try so hard to make other people happy. Especially when they really don’t give a damm, fuck. I guess it’s a thing called KARMA. is it a coencidence that when the day after you tell me it’s basically over, you get hit by a bicycle? No. wish you could connect that. honestly, I don’t know why I care so much about you when it was such a little gap of time, when the real person I miss is millons of miles away and your 10 blocks away. I don’t want to be nice to you, I want to tell you fuck off, but I want you so badly to care. I just don’t know if its really worth it, being nice and getting treated like this..

                      karma’s a bitch though..right? karma please start acting in good ways for me i believe though it doesn’t really work that way right? I can’t ask for it to happen…..

                                     anyways i’m going to leave you with a link to this song..

                 Explode-Uh Huh Her

whoever you are. Didn’t know how to start this post, and I’m not quite sure I can tell you where it’s going just yet. A lot of interesting things have come into light for me this week, mostly how alone I truly am. I feel like i’m always listening and watching others, but not living almost. Just a spectator sitting on the bus watching life move past me. I’ve watched several movies tonight, not enough as I would of wished. Atonement is on, but I just don’t understand how the young girl could know she was lying, yet still keep it a secret. It really proves the point that you’ve got your own back. Saturday night in the city, and I’m sitting here dreaming about what life could be like.. why can’t I just go out there? It’s hard, it’s hard knowing all the things i want so badly, yet feeling so far from actually completing them or even attemping them. Anyways, I’m going to continue this daze/hangover I’ve had all day.. maybe hit the sack.

well, i thought i would ask the masses, on craigslist of course, about what “better” was and the theory of “deserving better”, how i have yet to find it, i didn’t think anyone would respond seeing as i posted anonymously, but I got a few interesting answers.

“i say that sometimes… it’s out there, i found it once I’ll find it again, and so will you” 

“here.

 I’m not saying I’m “better” (it is hard to know not knowing who you are and what you want). But it could be me or some other guy who will write you back. Perhaps you should ask for someone more specific.”

“i’ve often pondered the same thing.”

“Kindness, respect, humor”

“I’m looking for “better” also….let me know when you find it  “

“I know what you mean, after years of putting myself out there and giving freely and unconditionally, and as always, when someone gets something for free they don’t value it. So now I say I deserve better, and no one gets near me unless they’ve earned my trust and heart. It’s like the old saying, if you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, it’s time to change how you do things. Best of luck, and keep YOUR needs above all else.”

“Everyone deserves to be treated right and love the person they’re with.  Better is an attainable alternative to what you have where you’re at in life”

Thank you fellow web world.. for these answers. nice to know, that maybe I’m not as lonely as I think I am. I really broke down last night, fell apart at the seams, just when you feel like you’ve got everything figured out.. everything falls apart. I miss him, and I hate it. I wish I could be like everyone else, but I can’t lie, He stole my heart, and I can’t tell you if this is “better” or worse. Because I don’t want better, I want him. Just him. I hate how how people tell me things, and how i doubt and analyze everything, and I can’t just get up and ask him.. especially now, your miles and miles away..i don’t know if you’ll email, you didn’t even call to say goodbye. i know we’ve said goodbye more than hello, but i wanted it so badly. please don’t forget about me babe, society might find me “better” but better will always be you.

                   i love you. 

“You deserve better” couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been told this. what is this better? And how do i find it? over and over, people obviously see something good in me, see that i deserve this better thing, yet why aren’t they the better? Why do they just say that, but they never try themselves? I’m sick of feeling this fucking lonely, and everyone telling me this stereotypical line. sick of the fact that people just say the same shit everyday, like a record they’ve got on repeat. they give a shit about you, they just say what sounds good.  i want BETTER.

           i know I DESERVE BETTER. im watching a horribly depressing movie right now, “The Last Kiss”, basically just a movie full of pain. not a really great idea when im this upset, and im not sure why. i just want to be happy, and i want to share myself with someone else. i want to show someone the world the way i see it, and them do the same..

wrote a rap today; i think i’m getting better. i just made this randomly up, not really really referring to anyone in general. 

Haters want to hate me, want to be me. Why can’t all you people see? Why won’t you just let me be who I wanna be? You lied. Talking shit behind my back, watch out those lies will give you a heartattack.

You say I’m too young. Three years older, shit dirt off my shoulder. How do I top your maturity. how do I again your security?

Just the dumb young bitch, just that little hot itch. I know you wanna fuck me, drop me, watch me fall. No commitment, no friendship, come at 3 in the morning to cure your illness, your fucking sickness.

Why did I fall for a guy like you? What do I do? ditched by your older dick, the thought makes me sick. I want to quit all the lies, shout out your fears. I hate you. I grate you like a silce of cheese. “GIMME MORE PLEASE!”  

Your minds in a stir. I’m too much, too fast, too keen for intellect. Why dont you tell the truth, why dont you just show the world your quickfast youth.  Ride on your bicycle far from home, leave this city for your all grown. Ride fast dodge my bullets. Ride fast dodge my bullets. You know you shouldn’t shouldn’t look back but you should…you shouldn’t look back but you should.

Watcha gonna do boy? 23 years old growing into that mold, on your ceiling that you’ve been staring at since you were 3 years old. Your parents don’t fight, you wish you could be interesting with all your might. Same thing, everyday never looking for the fights.

Work, School, Work, School. driving the same mule. Ride fast dodge my bullets. Ride fast and run away cause the truth will kill you. I’ll always be that piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe. You shouldn’t of crossed me, seriously wrong thing to do..

               Watch out for my fucking crew. word.